It took me 2 weeks before I decided to write about it. From disbelief to unsettled to waves of sadness, and just at ease. At ease not because it is over or forgotten, but on a different layer where you feel that rather than fear or sadness, you uncovered another facet of the situation.
I was reading a book that says that we would have about 4000 weeks on earth. Then someone break it down that, if you meet a person once a week, you only see him/her 52 times a year. If you see someone every 10 days, thats 36 times a year. Then it get you thinking, how many weeks, times you get to go to the beach, you get to be with the person that you love and loved you? It might sound negative, depending on which side of the cup you are looking at. For me, I see the preciousness of each moment. That instead of living in fear, hatred, but to live at ease. Peaceful with every day and choices.
For every soul that left us, they have fulfilled their mission on earth. And to die in such grandiose way, is perhaps the best way to leave. You gave someone else life, strength and hope. What can beat this? Instead of mourning the lost, we should celebrate the positives and strength that they send us.
After a year like 2020, I believe 2021 is a year for Refresh, Reflect and Renew.
One of the key theme this year is learning slow-living and learning how life is a series of What-ifs and how do you live your life to the fullest and not have any regrets (and no, this does not includes the bag you did not buy).
1. Read 15 books I would like to expand this to building a nighttime routine where I stop scrolling and read more. Also making it as a point to read even 5 mins or 10 mins a night before sleeping as a consistent habit.
2. Courses/Personal Development A couple of developments that I want to build on this year will be 1) Sewing – Started sewing last year and was glad that I do it. I have sew a dress and this is inline with my idea for Slow Living. I have signed up for another semester to learn how to sew more and be consistent in sewing. 2) Investment – Build and learn more about investing in the shares market. Building a portfolio for retirement. 3) Slow-living – Being mindful with my life and practices. I am going to do some more researches on this and will share in a post on what are my plans for this. 4) No-spend challenge – I don’t think I will be able to do a no-spend year, but I would love to go for a no spend month or 6. 5) Learn a new language – currently this is Japanese. But it could be Korean or French. 6) Brush Calligraphy – Have to start practicing this.
3. Travel plans All I hope for is to travel home. Fingers crossed.
4. Yoga/General Fitness Building a routine is the key aim I have this year – 3x weights training, 2x cardio. Being mindful in food choice and portion size.
5. Savings Plan I want to save enough for a gap year in another year or 2. I do want to travel extensively once everything it back to normal, on my backpack, for a while.
6. Business / Side hustle This is still top on my agenda but I need to find out what excites me. I do want to start writing more, to document my thoughts and things that I do.
It had been a long time since I am back here writing. Not that I stopped writing, just perhaps, these 2 years everything taken a backseat. I felt like I have never been that lost of myself than before. So a quick recap of 2023 and 2024.
2023 been a challenging one, I started the year the first quarter of the year seriously wondering about my life choices. I had just made a move to another department in the company. I do not have the background or experiences, but I have product experience and hence, thats the reason why I am being recruited for the team. I went into the team in Sept 2022 and from there, there was a lack of guidance. Never mind that since it give me time to read through the ever changing guidelines that is happening. Come Mar 2023, I can expect any manager that took over then to come to the realisation that the team should be ‘well-trained’ for the role by now. I mean, 6 months have pass so I don’t blame anyone for thinking otherwise. This is also when all hell broke loose. The need for me to complete task that doesn’t make sense to me start and no matter how much I ask for help, I don’t get the guidance I am after. So instead of integration, I was isolated. The reason being to give me more time to focus on working on my tasks on hand than to be included in other activities within the team. This might help others, but definitely not me. I felt isolated, and worrisome. Anxiety sets in and for the first time, I have a panic attack. I never forget that weekend. That Thursday, I was on my way home from the office, on the entire journey back I was panicking about a piece of work that my manager just critiqued me on. That evening and the weekend that follows, all I can do it cry. I went to see a GP who gave me 2 weeks sick leave to be detached from the environment for now. She referred me to a Psychologist that gave me a month leave as the trigger is at work and I will be on leave and removed from the environment. It does not help that my manager’s manager is on the same side. So, I can only bid my time to the day that I am transferred back to my old department. I am so grateful for my old team, who was there to extend a helping hand when the entire world collapse on me. The ability to move back to the old team was a blessing. And on hindsight, it was a blessing in disguise because otherwise, I would have to leave the company. 100%.
I took most part of the year to recover from this episode in my life. I started writing. I want to write a book about my life. I want to share my marriage, divorce, relationship and everything in between. Until I realise, I don’t. I like to write because it is a way for my to export what is in my brain and onto paper. It also helps me to organise my million thoughts and random ideas to something that might be logical. I don’t think anyone will be interested in the random thoughts that ooze out of my brain. I think. I was throughly enjoying my writing session with Rose (if you have not read my previous blog, please do) and enrolled in the advance course when, the second part of my year is formed.
Right before our annual family trip to Korea in October, my mom was hospitalised. While I am getting ready to leave and head home to visit my parents, literally on the day before my flight, it is confirmed that my mom is diagnosed with Lymphoma. Right after I land, I can see (and sense) something isn’t right. My mom, visibly slimmed down and felt like she been given the death statement. My dad, in pure denial (to be honest, I don’t have any other explanation other than that). I vividly remember the first week I saw mom. She was lying in bed 18 out of the 24 hours. She felt weak but she is not that weak that she is bed-ridden. She just mentally told herself that she should be in bed. I have to tell her that if she is not tired, she should just sit up and have a walk around. There is no need to be in bed 24/7. The meetup with the doctor was quick, decisive and to the point. A treatment plan was devised and by the end of the week, she started her first round of chemotherapy. I, on the other hand, had been busy with convincing my parents to engage a maid because I have to work remotely and there is no one to do any work at home. My dad, is absolutely useless without the direction of my mom.
Within a month I am back home, I hired a maid and we move to a temporary place, courtesy of my cousin. While it is not the best place, it had been a good location for me to take some breather. I am also grateful for the support of all the doctors and family members. I also have to give kudos to my mom. She did not cry for most of it and I feel she has convince herself, at least, in front of us to be as peaceful as possible. I am surprised that I did not cry even once. But to be honest, as I told everyone, I don’t have the time to cry. I think by the time I process it viscerally, I am way pass the grieving stage. I have a couple of coping strategies during the time. First, was to leave and grab a coffee and sit in the cafe on my own for a couple hours on a Sunday to decompress. Second, I started running. And the running stick around (that’s another story for 2024).
2023 ended with mom in hospital for her chemotherapy. She has to be hospitalised for 4 days, with chemotherapy drip hooked on to her for 22 hours everyday. These will be the 4 days that she is the most awake. The week after she will hibernate and the week after, no appetite. She will feel better for the last week before she head in for another round of chemotherapy. God bless, that after 6 rounds, she is clear of cancer and in remission. For every year forward, it is a gift.
2024 started with the hospital and me being back home. Nothing spectacular but it just felt like a long time coming. I was offered to make a trip to Taiwan for a health check and since I have not been to Taipei for the longest time, I jumped on the opportunity. The trip was good but the health check, not that much. The scan showed up a deep lobe parotid gland tumour. With that, I went back home and saw a specialist. 2023 and 2024, I had multiple CT scans and doctors visit (for mom or me) that the hospital is like workplace. I went for the removal surgery in October after seeking second opinion and that there is technically no way out of this. I now have a scar that extend to my neck and a weak lower left lip that I am working with a facial psychotherapist. It is slowly recovering, though I wish it can be faster. I am trusting the process.
2024 is also the year that I finally cross of my bucket list and run a marathon. Remember me saying that 2023, the way to give me some peace during the challenging times was running. So, not sure who gave me the courage, I signed up for the Sydney marathon. I set myself a humble goal of not being sweep up and I am proud to say that sticking to the running plan. I managed to get all my runs in even when I am travelling and I realise there are running tours all over major cities throughout the world. Just google and you will find one. Also, run-sightseeing is a quicker way to get between sights and seeing more than what I would normally do. I end up doing a 5.38hr marathon. Not too bad for a first marathon. At least to me.
I also went on a trip with SUP Norway in Bergen. I heard so much wonderful things about it and was hoping to go. I did wake up at 3am in the morning when the registration was open but I was hoping to pay via paypal. Anyway, the spot was sold and I was just thinking perhaps it is not my year. Then I received a message from Titus saying there is a cancellation and I jumped on it. The rest, as they say is history. For this trip in July, I landed in CPH and fly into Stockholm, then head to Bergen, went for SUP Norway trip, overnight train from Bergen to Oslo (this is cheaper than flying and hotel), flight to Berlin and fly into London to meet my cousin before heading back. After 1.5 weeks of not seeing sunset, seeing darkness in Berlin was refreshing. It does mess with my head that at 11pm the sun is still out and you can still see people running on the streets at 10pm.
2024 is really a bucket list year for me. I ran my first marathon, first midnight sun and I watched my idol Fish Leong in concert in KL. In 2024, I watched Coldplay in Singapore in Jan, Joker Xue in Sydney in March and Fish Leong in KL April.
I also finally reconnected with a friend that I lose touch over the years. To me, it was an upsetting time cause he was a dear friend and I treat him as family. So when he reached out and want to meet for coffee, I wasn’t going to say no. It turned out his gf passed suddenly and he is trying to come to terms with it. This definitely gets to the melancholic me. He has in 5 years (therearound) lost both parents and a gf (the first and only one he had). I can’t bring people back, but I can still be the friend that hangs around.
As 2024 comes to an end, I am grateful proud of what I have achieved so far. If anything that was challenging for me was 2023, I felt totally worthless. I also dropped a couple of friends in 2023 because I have opted out of drama and I don’t want to be part of any cliche that I am not clicking with just because I want some friends. I rather quality friends than quantity in this aspect. I have come a long way thinking that I shouldn’t be who I am. The fact that me being me is the only way to be able to contribute to a good relationship. Both hospitalisation taught me that life is really short and sudden. There are many things outside of my control. The only thing I can control is just to be healthy or as healthy as I can get. I want to be me and be respectful of others. Do more of what I like and less of what I don’t.
I am excited for 2025. The current plans is:
Home for CNY in Feb
Cruise in Feb (first time ever)
Hiking in NZ in April
Tibet in June
Sydney Half Marathon in May
Gold coast Marathon in July
Sydney Marathon in August
Tibet has been on my bucket list for the longest time ever and I am glad to have friends that will head over with me. Perhaps, the other things I will do next year is go to club med and ski for a week in Japan and just enjoy/hate the snow lol.
The other things to do is to clear much of the house, find a remote job and create some content. Not sure what but something. I am still decided whether to study Psychology or not. I have deferred a semester but I am not too sure now.
A very very long post on my end but it is a recording of my life these last 2 years.
What you do when you feel the fear to write about your thoughts, your life and even perhaps a past that you so earnestly stay away from?
The inability or stifling desire to not write is coming strong. Not that I don’t want to explore the feelings or thoughts, but the thought to set off an exploration and revisit that feelings is enough to scared me alive. It was uncomfortable. The need to feel the feelings to relay it on paper for realness.
Recently, I started the Heartwriting course taught by a lovely lady Rose. It is the perfect marriage for me – yoga, self awakening and writing. Writing has always been my avenue to explore and processes the thoughts within me on things around me. Writing gives me inner solitude. Though I write for no-one, and perhaps this is the reason why my writing are a myriad of everything and nothing. And writing for no one by myself gives me the opportunity to just write what suits me. This is my morning pages but lay online instead in my cabinet.
There are a few pieces that I wrote for the course. And due to some personal reasons, I have to quit the advance course and go about it next year. I was really hopeful that I can managed two things at once but I really underestimate the complexity of the situation.
But I am grateful for the journey to start the Heartwriting course. I don’t believe I am a good writer but (in the course I come to realise) Eat, Pray, Love was written to capture the heart journey and not set out to be best seller. Sometimes, I feel books, especially those that explore human emotions and journey of all living is the equivalent of us sitting at the cafe and sharing our lives with friends. Just that, it is a wider audience and reaches further.
If you have the space in you and would like to explore more, strongly suggest you have a look at Heartwriting.
He slipped away on the afternoon of Wednesday. Lying down after his meal, something that he does on a daily basis.
He had been living in a hospic for the last 10 months. It was hard looking at how the 10 months has taken a toll on him. He has definitely dwindled. I still remember him as the happy go lucky person with disciplined and never shy away from letting you know his opinion.
Life has been good for him albeit hard. It wasn’t a easy life but it is a good one with families always around.
Now he is reunited with my grand parents, his parents and his brother. It will be filled with love.
Thanks for the memories. I will always remember you as the great uncle, the one that always asked me to have my hair short, the one who will sit and flip through all the old photos and giggle when he remembered something.
*This was an old post I wrote in Dec 2020. Just did not publish till now.
This year sure is a weird one. And when they say, be careful what you wished for, this is the year that came through. Last year, I was thinking that this year, I should scaled back on my travels, and focus on building my side hustle. Give up a year of travel to be able to travel full. How my wish has come true!
I was back in Singapore for Lunar New Year when the talk of town is this new SARs alike virus is spreading in China. No one know what it is but it seems to be equal part dangerous and equal part familiar. Singapore and most of Asia experienced SARS, so to us, this is serious matter. We don’t joke around. When SARs happened in 2013, life was as normal, just slightly awkward. I remember still heading to work and still heading to Uni at night. There is no all of the Work from Home phenomenal, social distancing and/or isolation. No one heard of the New Normal.
To say this Virus hit us all on the head is an understatement. I believe it hit us hard, getting us to rethink our priorities as a human, a country and a global village. The very thing we are proud of is the very thing that will ruin everything. We are so connected that we need to figure out how to disconnect to reconnect. The world becomes an experiment for Working from Home. There is no ah and hmm about it. Everyone have to do it, believer or not. Only exceptions is when your job physically can’t. Many people have not heard of Zoom before this pandemic but now is Zooming like a pro after close to 8 months of ‘training”.
I guess not all is lost. The disconnect to reconnect brings about greater realisation of what is important and what is not. Not travelling has caused me angst but at the same time reminded me that I am lucky to be holding a job, has supportive family and friends and being about to indulge them and myself. That all my family and friends are well and good and they are just a phone call or message or video call away.
2020 sees the death of a couple of actors and actresses. The one thing I learnt from these is that who you are as a person is what people remember you for, not the things you own. The new year will see me learning the work of Byron Katie and understanding there are 3 business, my business, your business and god’s business. I need to stop poking my nose you your business when I can’t get my business sorted out. Learning how to be less judgemental of others but remind critical of myself is my work.
Fluidity. I personally think this should be the word of 2020. The ability to change with the situation is one thing that businesses and human learn and adapt. Shops have to be close, you move your shop online. When you can’t work at work, you work from Home. Virtual markets is a thing that I deeply enjoyed this year. When it first started, I have no idea how it would work, but once you attended one, it is pretty much like a real market, just virtual.
1. Read 15 books I think 15 books is my average read for a year. Perhaps until I retire, I will read more. 🙂
The final tally is 14 books, one shy of my goal. Not too bad given I was way behind.
2. Courses/Personal Development This year is the year of financial and interpersonal skills growth. Finance wise – I am looking to start investing. Learning how to slowly, seeking out friends that do that. Interpersonal skills – I am not sure, but I will need to learn cause I need that to build a side hustle.
Nail the financial/investing goals this year. I build a pretty good shares portfolio and bought an investment property. As for side-hustle, I am still quite lost but I really want to make this work. I want to be able to increase my income and work on something I love.
3. Travel plans Currently, I have plans for Singapore (my yearly trip) and London/Ireland (I am super excited about Ireland cause I am finally meeting Ann-marie after 7 years). I am seriously scaling back travelling this year to build no.2 and create consistency in my life. The only other trips I am thinking now is Vanuatu diving trip and/or Morocco, Machu Picchu, Sri Lanka.
How weird is this year, that this is August already and all trips have been cancelled. Guess I have my wish to scale back on travelling (becareful what you wished for!)
2020 seems to throw a big curve ball on travelling. No travelling is insight for 2021 as well. I just hope to be able to head home, meet family and friends and stock up.
4. Yoga/General Fitness This year, I would like to create a schedule and healthy habits. Exercise- 4x a week (whatever kind) Walk – 9k steps a day Chlorophyll – Drink this daily
This been going pretty well now that the gym is open, I pilates 4x a week and hot yoga 2x a week. Walking is not really happen though.
Did pretty well with pilates and yoga. Not much running/walking but this is my goal for 2021.
5. Savings Plan I want to save for a new place.
6. Business / Side hustle This is still top on my agenda but I need to find out what excites me. I do want to start writing more, to document my thoughts and things that I do.
For what 2020 is worth, I feel I had a major adulting year personally. Work on most or much of Barefoot’s recommendation. Have a couple that I would like to check off this year but other than that, I am just working to increase my savings, build my side hustle and run(or any cardio exercise).
2020 is a weird one for a lot of people. For people who travel, this year seems to put everything on a halt. What you might have taken for granted has become something that pure luxury. Who would have known that jumping on a plane, or even a train, is going to be that much harder in 2020.
But, all is not lost in 2020. If you are anything like majority of the population, you would have bake bread (or sourdough), become a home cook, learnt something new and vomit at the sight of another zoom call. That aside, I believe the most important thing we learnt this year is “slow living”. Living with ourselves, being grateful for each day, being grateful that everyone around you, family and friends are safe and healthy. Learnt that living each day to the fullest is important, because who would have thought in a million years (well, 100 years for this one), that giving a hug is not as easy as giving a hug.
The virus aside, 2020 had been a topsy curvy one. We started the year with bush fire. Last year today, I was having dinner to a red-ish sky while awaiting to countdown on a boat. When we first heard about the virus in end January, we did not think as much of it, especially since we have been through SARS in Singapore and survived that without much drama. How wrong are we this time round.
The year then went on to become a blur for most people. Isolation, quarantine, social distancing become the vocabulary for 2020. New normal is another word that have been thrown around a lot. I was still holding hope that this will all fizzy out by Q3 2020.
We lost a couple of famous people during the year, one( Xiao Gui) affected me much more than other. Or rather, it got me thinking about my life and what would I like to leave behind. And how it will serve me as a person. Thanks for being the reminder that I need.
Black Life Matters dominated much of mid-2020. This is long overdue and it is a good time for people to start learning and start having that conversation on why and how it becomes what is it. How we as a society have been condition to believe the things we believe. How we as a society partake in the inequality by simply not speaking up or speaking about it. How it is easier to ignore. I don’t have the answers, I am still learning about diversity and learning about how to be able to talk about race. I am unlearning my conditioning and I am not there as yet.
In November, US presidential race dominated the television for much of a week. They definitely take their own sweet time counting the votes. I think everyone is glad that there is a change from the last 4 years. Here hoping this is a positive change that seek to cooperate with other economy super power.
Lastly, after 4 years, UK is finally leaving EU today. It is going to be a “watch this space” situation for many given this will be a first for most of us in our lifetime to view UK as UK and not part of EU.
There are other events that happened in the world but these are a few that meant something to me.
Hope everyone learnt something from 2020 and apply it to 2021. Life is a journey that you keep learning and one day, when you look back at 2020 and realised that this is the year that had make a lot of positive happens even though it doesn’t look like that now.
This year have been weird for sure. The virus has cancelled any celebration that usually take place for National Day in Singapore. While the celebration pushes forward with a much scaled down version, it also showcases the resilient that we have as a nation. We have our issues and challenges in the country, but like any countries, it is not always hunky-dory.
While the country started out to be the poster boy of dealing with coronavirus, the second wave brought the underlying social problems that needed to be address. While what could be seen as a humanitarian disaster, the locals are the one that turn it around to educate and spread the knowledge that, foreign workers build this nation. They are essential to the success that this country enjoys and should be celebrated.
This year also see another GRC won by Opposition party, ending the years where there is only 2 Opposition seats in the parliment. I hope this means something and signal the change that we all wanted to see. That this is the time where Singaporean starts to think and response and provide feedback and not just complaint. We had the ability to be who we are because of the excellent governance we had the last 50 years. But for the next 50 years, we will need to grow to be a mature country to be able to stand on our own ground, speak our thoughts and open our eyes to all the issues that is around. A country will grow when the citizen grow and be a better citizen of the world.
So today, on the birthday of Singapore, and every other day, I can say I am really proud to be a Singaporean. Though I do not live in Singapore, I understand that is what make me who I am and gave me the foundation to fly abroad and spread my wings. I also do believe that being part Malaysian also taught me the human part of life and there is nothing I would or want to change.
I just wish that the virus will end soon and that the hustle and bustle will be back in Singapore again and the constant jam in SG-JB causeway will be the only things we complaint about. Those are the simple joys in life that looking back now, oh how we miss thee!
When you think of a minimalist, do you think of someone with an empty room, with nothing to their name or minimal things to call their own? It is not surprising that many think the same way. That’s the image that will catch your attention in the crowded media landscape. But that aside, it is not that – extreme.
If you have been researching this topic, you would know that the easiest place to start is your closet. And that is exactly where we are starting today. But, I am suggesting a different route. As they say, there are many ways to skin a cat, and this is my way. Step one, I would suggest you understand your routine. To this, it means, your laundry routine. Do you do your laundry weekly, fortnightly or every second day. This will give you a rough idea of the number of clothing items you would like to aim for, especially if you want to build a capsule wardrobe. Here’s an example of why this is important. I laundered my clothes once a week, this means I will need seven outfits for the week and two more outfits for when the seven outfits are drying and to be on the safe side. So for me, I could aim for eighteen items excluding outerwear and enough undergarments. There is a potential that a 48 piece wardrobe could be my ideal.
Step two is to understand the number of clothes you have and also what you like to wear or not by wearing all your clothes in your wardrobe. This will kill two birds with one stone. You get to wear all your clothes, in this way, you can sort out clothes that don’t fit you anymore, or fit your style (because we do grow up). While you sieve through your clothes, this is a good time to place them into the donate pile if they are not working for you. You will find gems at the back of your closet, the reason why you never wear some clothes and a good understanding of your style evolution.
Step three, combining step one and two, you come up with a plan. The plan is simple, identify the number of clothes you would like to have, your lifestyle and your style. There is no point having an ideal item that you won’t wear. Not everyone needs a crisp white shirt nor a denim skirt. Even if a capsule wardrobe is not what you are after, you would have curated your closet in Step two.
Step two can be rinse and repeat in every corner of your house. Kitchen, cook normally for a week or two and attempt to use every single appliance that you own. If you don’t use it, rethink the appliance (i know it is hard to part with appliances) or find other uses. If you still can’t, it might be time to part with it.
Comments below to let me know how you go with your decluttering and if the above is helpful.
dazednconfused 